MEETING SHADCHANIM
There are "Meet The Shadchan" events that frequently take place in the tri-state area and elsewhere. See upcoming events here.
Alternatively, you can reach out to Shadchanim via text/email (whatever their preferred method is)
Sample Message:
Good morning! My name is ____. I got your number from ____, they said you come highly recommended! I'm forwarding you my shidduch resume, picture, and bio. Please let me know if you have anyone in mind! I'm happy to speak on the phone or meet in person if you have any questions or want to get to know me better!
FOLLOW UP WITH SHADCHANIM
It's generally accepted and expected for you as the single, or the parent of the single, to send a reminder text every month or so reminding them that you're still available.
Sample Message:
Hey! Thanks so much for meeting with me at ___ last month! I really appreciate you taking out your time. I'm forwarding you my most recent information (resume, picture, bio). Please keep me posted if you have any ideas!
If something changed, i.e. you have an updated resume, picture, description of yourself or what you are looking for, be sure to let them know. That's also a great way to keep you fresh in their mind.
Sample Message:
Hi! Hope all is well! Just sending you my most recent updated resume/bio/pic. As you can see, I changed ____ about myself (ex. graduated college, started a new job, moved cities) Was wondering if you had any ideas for me? Thanks so much!
or
Hi! Hope all is well! Just sending you my most recent updated resume/bio/pic. As you can see, I changed what I'm looking for (ex. I am now considering someone who was learning and now working, white shirt and now colored shirt, no hat, etc) Was wondering if you had any ideas for me? Thanks so much!
Before an event, chagim, etc.
Sample message:
Hey, just wanted to thank you for always thinking of me! If you happen to see anyone at the event/shul/shabbaton....
SO THE SHADCHAN HAS AN IDEA
If you received the idea first, there is no specific time frame to respond, but be respectful and let him/her know if it's an appropriate idea or not. Do not ignore the Shadchan. If it's off-target, let them know in a nice way.
Sample Message:
Thank you so much for thinking of me! This resume doesn't match what I'm looking for (specifically in regards to ___) however I so appreciate the idea.
If they continue to push:
Thanks so much for thinking, but my decision is final.
THE SHADCHAN GOT YOU A YES!
It's so important to communicate to the Shadchan and get back in 2-4 days with a yes/no answer or explanation why you need more time. It's ok if you need more time, but be sure to let them know! The other side is "locked in" and waiting for an answer. Be considerate.
SETTING UP THE FIRST DATE
It's generally accepted to check Dor Yeshorim compatibility prior to the first date, or after 1 or 2 dates (before it gets serious). Ask the shadchan to get the other side's 9 digit Dor Yeshorim number and date of birth. Either call Dor Yeshorim’s 24 hour hotline at 718-384-6060 or go to doryeshorim.org/check-compatibility/ and enter both side's information. They will give a call back with the results.
Be clear with the Shadchan when you are available (day and time). Preferably give a few options so the other side can see what works best for them as well.
As the girl, make sure to send the Shadchan your address and any important information (they can block your driveway, how to find the house, etc.)
Sample Message:
"We heard wonderful things and it's a yes from us! When is he/she available this week? Monday and Wednesday after 5pm work for us"
AFTER THE DATE
It's expected to give a response to the Shadchan by that night or latest, the next morning. If you need more time to think about it, express that to the Shadchan so they know what's going on.
It's recommended for the single to speak directly to the Shadchan, not via the parent, to reduce risk of miscommunications and for the Shadchan to better understand the single.
Sample Message:
I had a great time tonight and would be interested in going out again.
or
The date was good, but there are a few things I'm not so sure about and want to sleep on. I also plan on discussing this with my Rav/mentor/dating coach so I know I made the right decision. Can I get back to you later tomorrow?
or
I enjoyed meeting ___ tonight, however he/she isn't for me. I'm happy to talk on the phone and explain in more detail so you'll have a better idea of what I'm looking for.
GENERAL COMMUNICATION
When using a dating coach in addition to the Shadchan, it can be very helpful for the coach to be in touch with the Shadchan to get the full picture.
If the dating goes well and you segue to direct communication (i.e. the Shadchan is dropped), it's expected to keep the Shadchan posted on how the relationship is progressing/ending.
Even if the shidduch idea doesn't work out, it is appropriate to send a token of appreciation to the Shadchan. That can be a check, gift card, a chocolate platter, etc. Some ideas include: Yossi's Sweet House (they ship throughout the US), Cookie Corner (Brooklyn and Lakewood).